|Doctor Who Villain Internet Adventure #01 - "The Return of Yartek, Leader of the Alien Voord"
"Voord in a Spin"
by Cameron Mason
"Bloody hell," said Yartek. "I really should have seen that one coming."
And musing about his old enemy, come back to life, Yartek walked through a convenient dimensional gateway, provided by the great Alan Moore and found himself once more in London.
"Now to finish something I started a very long time ago!" exclaimed Yartek, frightening a group of German tourists outside of Lanbrook Grove tube station, but being a failed Doctor Who villain, the moment was lost when Yartek slipped on a conveniently placed banana peel and fell into a conveniently open sewer.
* * *
LANBROOKE GROVE OFFICE
A familiar figure sat at a computer, hand caressing a computer mouse as a printer whirred and converted information into text.
"At last I shall rule this pitiful planet!" cackled Yartek. All that was left for him to do now was to post his manuscript and all would be right for him...
* * *
Emerging from another dimensional gateway, Yartek found himself within sight of some familiar golden arches.
"Time to deal with those bastard Morphoton Brain Creatures — they must behind Arbitan's scheme — steal the Mysterious Hippy Costume of Shabba-Ranx and get to Sheffield for Project: Doomsday. No, not all at once; one plot point at a time, but first, a tasty snack I shall have!" and upon finishing his speech, Yartek patted his package and entered McDonalds.
Yartek looked at the pitiful humans in the queue, and because he was feeling so superior because of his bulging package, Yartek pushed through the crowd, finally knocking the red faced man in a grey tracksuit. Probably wears makeup, Yartek thought.
A familiar figure sat behind the counter. 'He-llo. Wel-come-to-Mc-Don-alds. May-I-take-your-order-please?"
"Davros? I thought your atoms had been scattered across the universe."
"So how's Maccas treating you?"
"Well! Look-at-my-new-cre-at-ion: the-new-Mc-Da-leks!"
A Big Mac trundled across the counter. On the top half of the bun sat a french fry, balanced on the end of it was a small piece of pickle. on either side of the french fry were placed two tiny onions. Out of the divider bun emerged two more french fries, on e tipped with a slice of pickle, the other hollowed out.
"Very cute," humoured Yartek, "but what does it do?"
The McDalek had stopped on the counter in front of Yartek. In a tinny voice it exclaimed: "You-will-eat-at-Mc-Don-alds-or-be-ex-ter-min-at-ed!"
"Mmm, hmm," muttered Yartek, "anything else?"
Out of the hollowed out french fry squirted a combination of ketchup and mustard, running all the way down Yartek's rubber suit.
"Ex-ter-min-ate!" Exclaimed the McDalek "EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"
"Davros, this suit is dry-clean only! Is that the best you can do?"
"Right..." muttered Yartek, rolling his eyes, "Well while you're conquering the fast food market, I have better plans, plans to conquer this planet!"
"As soon as I arrived here, I noticed something. There was this famous television show called Professor X, he reminds me of the Doctor in a way, well the fans of Professor X are in jobs where, if all were united for a common cause, they could rule the world!"
"Since that moment, despite Peter Waterman and all that has happened to me, I have been writing a Professor X novel called Pansy Time."
"Don't laugh Davros, it doesn't suit you. I have called myself by one of the names of a Professor X book author, Vance Parkin is his name, in order to get my submission accepted, even though it is the best thing ever written. After eating my meal, which I am about to order, I shall sent off my submission to books editor Richard Justins, who, so taken by my work, shall publish it immediately. "
"I'm getting to that part! All the fans shall buy it, and they shall read it. A subliminal message is hidden in each page, urging each fan to make Vance Parkin the supreme ruler of the Earth, which they shall do. I will, in the mean time, murder Vance Parkin and take his place, thus making me the supreme ruler of the Earth!"
The man behind Yartek in the queue tapped Yartek on the shoulder. "Excuse me."
"Yes?" replied Yartek, annoyed at the human. He would be made an example of, mused Yartek.
"My name is Vance Parkin."
"How convenient for me. I'll kill you right now."
"I have just written a book called Pansy Time, in fact it is available to buy right now."
"What!" Yartek couldn't believe what he was hearing — his plan all ruined.
"So, I'm afraid you'll just have to change your plan."
Yartek was feeling desperate. "But you haven't put subliminal messages in your text, have you?"
"Yes, but that was to buy more of my books, and to sell my book OK, I Love You, Bye Bye... for vastly inflated prices. But your evil scheme would never have worked."
"Professor X fandom is so fragmented — only a small percentage buy the books, and an even larger percentage don't even regard the books as being Professor X, you're a failure!"
Yartek couldn't believe what he had just heard. His plans — ruined! In disgust he put his hands onto the bulging package and pulled it out of his pants. He stared at the A4 Envelope, addressed to Richard Justins, and further, he could 'see' his work — 102 000 words — now meaningless. With a feat of super-voord strength he would never feel again, Yartek ripped the envelope in half and threw the contents at the Ice Soldiers, who, so taken by Yartek's actions, fell into the milkshake maker.
"A vanilla milkshake please."
Davros maneuvered over to the milkshake maker and switched it on, blending the Ice Soldiers into a milky, frozen mess.
"Yeah right!" Yartek took a sip of milkshake and wondered why it was so cold, and icy. The machine was probably still broken, and had been part of the Ice Soldiers' job to do maintenance work on it while he had worked there, they probably didn't fix it, the fools.
Still musing over that last thought, Yartek caught sight of a familiar pink figure, Chris, one of the Brains. "Oy, you!" bellowed Yartek to Chris, "I want a word with you!"
Chris was worried. Had Yartek found out about their deal with Arbitan. "Y-yes?"
"You little pink bits of meat are helping Arbitan, aren't you?"
"Y-yes!" Damn, thought Chris, now the cat was out of the bag.
"What's he planning to do?"
Chris decided to tell all. "H-he's planning on taking over the world!"
"Can't he come up with a better thing to do, like work in erotic films?"
"N-no. Although bald men are incredibly sexy, he wants to rule the world, thus increasing his desirability amongst females!"
Great! thought Yartek, another thing to do, before he could get back to his own plans of taking over the Earth: kill Arbitan. He mentally altered his to do list, slotting 'Kill Arbitan' between 'feed cat' and 'dry-clean suit'.
After shooting the brain a dirty glance, Yartek exited McDonalds, only pausing to twist Vance Parkin's head of its' body — the head would make a great paper weight thought Yartek, who turned down the street and headed for home.
* * *
After feeding his very hungry and very annoyed pussy, Yartek turned on the TV to watch the Marinus Refugee Channel, hoping to find out about Arbitan's movements for the next few days, but instead was treated to a half-hour trashing of his own pop career.
"You talentless hacks!" Yartek screamed at the television .
"You slept your way to your career." countered the presenter.
"So did you!"
"But that's different!"
"All I want to do is find out Arbitan's movements for the next few days, not be told how much I suck!"
"All you had to do was ask."
"Well can I?"
"Can you what?"
Yartek nearly screamed in frustration. "Find out Arbitan's movements for the next few days?"
Yartek listened intently as the presenter told him all he needed to ever know about Arbitan...
* * *
The next day Yartek exited the cheap flat he lived in, kicking the remains of Vance Parkin's head down the street — his darned cat having feasted on much of it overnight, and expectantly waited for a convenient dimensional gateway to appear, ready to take him to London, but none appeared.
"Dammit Alan! I want to go to London!" Yarket screamed at the GodHead.
"I can't let you."
"Why the fuck not!"
"Because the author won't allow it; try a train instead."
* * *
Yartek never regretted the fact that he didn't catch the train to London, and had instead spent the last week travelling with truckie 'Big Kev', paying for the trip with 'Big Kev' as Yartek knew how — sexual favours. Waving goodbye to his new friend, Yartek stood on an area of waste ground that had once been occupied by the Millennium Dome.
He knew Arbitan would soon be here, to try and find the chemical pocket needed to power the Millennial New Labour Conscience of Britain. Yartek was looking forward to meeting his old foe. First they would greet each other, and find out what the other had been doing since leaving Marinus. Then Yartek would casually stab Arbitan, take his robes and re-programme the Conscience, using its' power to conquer the Earth.
Minutes passed, Yartek looked irritably at his watch. Then he realised it: he had arrived in London a day early. Sighing angrily, Yarket walked off, heading for the nearest Tube Station; he knew where he could stay the night...
* * *
...Jack knew what he wanted. He wanted his friend Toby to be his love slave. He wanted Toby to fulfil his every desire, and Jack knew how he could get Toby.
All he had to do was expose his manly body, with its well formed muscles, and his very large knob, and Toby would be his, forever...
Yartek stopped reading, glancing around the dark office. Was that a noise he just heard, someone sneaking into the Nymphomaniac Publishers office? Nah, he decided, and settled back down to read Denim Love Prisoners, by Jack Russell. There it was again, a creaking sound, on the stairs.
Yartek hid behind a conveniently placed screen and watched as a familiar figure entered the office, walked quietly up to the bookshelf, and pick up a book to read.
"Peter?" Yartek was surprised to see his former manager and lover here, especially after he had left Peter on his own after failing to kill him.
"Yartek?" Peter was equally amazed to see his love-voord, who had disappeared the same day he found his lawyer dead in his bedroom.
"I have to be going now, I..."
"Don't go my love, I've changed. I no longer desire to dominate you, just to love you, all of... you!" Peter knew that that sort of sweet talk would work on the gullible Voord.
Yartek was momentarily taken in by Peter's pledge of love, but instead decided to try and enact his final revenge on his cruel master. "Not this time buddy!" and threw a computer monitor at his ex- lover before jumping out of the window, forgetting that they were five floors up...
* * *
Back at the site of the Millennium Dome, Yartek thanked the author for placing an open-topped truck, filled with feather pillows below the window. Now he was ready to take on Arbitan — and the world, but first, he needed to pee. Running behind a wall, Yartek was surprised to find Arbitan behind it, fly undone, peeing.
"Dammit! I want to pee!" Yartek screamed his frustration out.
"It's a free wall, go right ahead." Arbitan did not take too much notice of the figure, Probably one of those rubber fetish people... he mused. His plans for taking over the Earth were progressing well, now, just to get the methane gas he required, and the planet was his.
Yartek opened up his suit, and praying to any higher powers listening, he peed until his bladder was empty.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Content at last, Yartek relaxed, and an enormous FFFFFFPPPPPPPPT sound emerged from his buttocks.
"You've got the wind the wind up there my friend," joked Arbitan, who suddenly gasped in surprise. Standing before him was his enemy. Yartek, leader of the alien Voord. Arbitan knew he must dispose of his enemy.
"Yes, I am behaving like a bit of a brass band aren't I?" replied Yartek, "I also can play the funeral march, something I'll need in a minute after I kill you!" FFFFFFFFFPHHHHHHHHHHT! What a stink, he thought.
"You thought you killed me before, 'twas a mere scratch you inflicted on my person, but I shall render you most lifeless!" thundered Arbitan. FFFFFFFFFFFFFPT! Damn that Voord was a methane machine, he thought idly...
The two foes circled each other, waiting to see which one would break and try and attack the other. It would have been a tense moment, had it not been for Yartek's performing bottom.
"Put a cork in it!" pleaded Arbitan, "You're killing me with that foul stench!"
"Good," Taunted Yartek, "Killing you slowly will be just as good as a fast death for you, Arbitan!"
All that methane was drifting up into the atmosphere, joining the pollutants already crowding the skis, with the amount being excreted probably enough to power the Conscience, mused Arbitan, What a waste! Maybe he could do a deal with his nemesis...
Arbitan called out to Yartek "Maybe we can do a deal."
"No deals!" Yartek wanted this kill, he'd finish off one enemy, one way or the other.
"But you'll like this one."
"You've got one minute to convince me of that!" It would amuse him to watch his prey beg for its life, then to kill it.
As Arbitan explained his plan, a smile appeared on Yartek's face, although the smile could not be seen through the mask. He would let Arbitan live, but after he had fulfilled his side of the plan, Arbitan would be killed, and Yartek would have the power he was longing for...
To be continued...
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